Slipping Through My Fingers

Well, this one was a gimme…my oldest is graduating from high school this spring and we are in the midst of college application interviews, school visits, and acceptance letters. Did you know that it’s considered bad form to try to “lose” applications to schools that you feel are too far away? AND that surreptitiously signing on to your son’s Common App account and deselecting those same schools is also frowned upon – WTF!?! Not only that, they will then punish you by accepting said son and then forcing you to fill out a FAFSA form so that you can afford their tuition. I always love to spend four hours filling out forms only to have some government agency determine that, “Yep, you are officially poor and need help paying for college!” I didn’t know whether to celebrate or go hide in a corner somewhere.

As amusing as that all is, the issue here is that I’m of two hearts about this. I’m so freaking proud of this kid and watching him become the young man that he is becoming never fails to fascinate and enthrall me. At the same time? I’m just not ready! I look at him and cannot help seeing the little boy with the cutest bowl cut in his Disney pullover headed to nursery school. The past 17 years have been so full and yet I find myself wistful for the other things I would have like to have done with him. It’s almost as if I can see the time running out and the more I try to capture it the quicker it slips through my fingers. Like the song, I sometimes wish that I could freeze a moment in time. The thing is, if I did, then I would miss out on witnessing his transformation into the most amazing adult and I’m just not willing to give up that wonder and awe.

So how do I reconcile this? I guess the answer will be to somehow cherish rather than try to hold onto every moment, to support him as he ventures out into the world, and to watch in confusion as somehow my breaking heart expands rather than shatters and manages to envelope him no matter how far way he is…and then turn around, look at the other three (15,9+3) and realize that I’d probably better buy stock in the closest liquor store!