In your honor....

>> Saturday, September 25, 2010

Sometimes I really can be an idiot.

I’ve been feeling anxious and it took me a while to identify why but what it finally came down to is that today is the day it has been one year since you’ve been gone. Of course I knew that and had plans to get together with everyone today but I didn’t realize that I felt like I should have done some thing in your honor. While I understand the peace it brings to some, I’m not the kind of person to go lay flowers at your grave – you’re not there for me. But I felt like I should have marked the day in some concrete way and it ate at me.

When I left the house this morning to go to the grocery store for some ingredients for the chowder and clamcakes we would all share later today my thoughts and feelings were a whirlwind. As I walked to the car, the wind whipping the trees behind our house seemed to agree with me. I stopped to watch and thought “How appropriate – hurricane weather”. As I stood there, letting the wind whip my hair in my eyes and feeling the tears well up the weather slowly calmed. I stayed and tried to match my breathing to the slowly calming wind until it was a gentle breeze crossing my cheek and I felt a peace that had been missing all week. All was well and it would work out.

Driving to the store I found my smile and some good music to sing along with. I waved to the traffic crew that already looked hot and tired and one smiled back. I tucked my careful little list in my purse and just walked through the store picking up the items that called and said they would help with the day. I brought everything home and cleared the kitchen so it would be a happy place to work in and then started cooking. I sang and cried as I chopped the onions. I smiled at the thought of how happy Scott would be that he finally got his true Rhode Island Clear chowder tonight. I worked the herbs and spices in my hands before adding them to the dishes thinking about what each one of them added…thyme for courage and love and healing, bay for strength and protection. I threw them in as I always try to do with my own thoughts and hopes for the people who would be eating the dish. Cassie and I stirred some ingredients in a bowl and giggled about stirring our love in and she blew a kiss in the bowl and said “See, I can stir in my kisses!”. That was my “I coulda had a V-8!” moment. I didn’t need to look for a thing to honor you…everything I was doing honored you. There was simply nothing more important to you than your love for your family and you loved nothing more than getting them together and feeding them. The love and care I was putting into the meal we were going to share was one of the best ways I could honor you.

So in your honor Mom I hope to bring them comfort and love and peace and while we sit together and share the food and our memories I know I’ll find a moment to look around and see your smile and delight.

With all my love…


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